Freddy The Fail? – A Rage Quit Review of “Freddy The Frog”

Welcome to another edition of Dalin’s Rage Quit Reviews. Unlike last time where we discussed the ridiculous flaws of Clint Eastwood’s Jersey Boys, today we’ll be examining the even more flawed attempts at making a children’s film, aka the best artistic failures of all time. Specifically we’ll be looking at one from the 90’s vault, full of all the worst qualities of the era: Oddly placed music, a plot that makes absolutely no sense, and celebrity voices that really don’t need to be there. I present to you, in full VHS release glory, Freddie The Frog (or Freddie as FR07, for those international readers out there!)

You’re probably wondering at this point, “Dalin, how in the world did you pick such a random, piece of garbage from 20 plus years ago?” Simple, it was looking me in the face…well, at least its ultra hilarious VHS cover was. I had simply forgotten just what this movie was even about and thus felt it my duty to report to the unknowing audience, such as yourself, what exactly FR07 is. Funny thing though, I can’t really give you that answer. Trust me, I watched the movie, but I really can’t tell you exactly what this film was about, because the story itself can’t explain that simple fact. The trailer tries, but fails miserably.

Our “plot” tells of a humanoid frog that once was a human, a prince (named Frederic) to be exact. But was he a prince  from the obviously modern era he currently exists in? No! He’s a “Disney Prince” style royal member, who probably lived around the Middle Ages.  His dad was a “Magician King” (the movie’s terms, not mine) which meant Frederic was born with magical powers (#plotpoint). We later discover that Frederic was turned into a frog by his “evil aunt” who wants to be queen and rule the world, and as per 90’s villain tradition, has no real purpose outside of fulfilling her duty as a bad guy and saying bad guy things. Also, Frederic meets Nessie (THAT Nessie) and later becomes a secret agent….

Once we get that pesky backstory out of the way, we arrive at the real conflict of the story. Enter antagonist El Supremo, who happens to be working with Freddie’s evil aunt. They’re stealing important monuments via a UFO-style spaceship. I could try to explain this contraption to you, but because the movie has let logic completely out the window the moment the first cell popped into frame, I’m not even going to bother. This devious plan can only be stopped by Freddie and his fellow secret agent friends, and thus our film goes forward into motion.

To say Freddie The Frog is a decent movie is like trying to convince someone that one Samosa cookie is enough, it just isn’t possible. Freddie is a hot mess, in fact it should be the picture next to the definition of the phrase. Unlike similar cinematic train wrecks like The Room or its animation equivalent Food Fight,  Freddie The Frog can’t even go into the “so bad it’s good” category, but instead it should be situated in the “this makes me feel uncomfortable” genre of bad filmmaking. Why? Well there are two very important reasons.

One is very obvious, as is with any movie: Someone thought this was a good idea. Supposedly writer/director Jon Acevski got the idea for the film by making up a bedtime story for his son. Though that might sound like a cute plan on paper,  maybe that might not have been the best thing to base your multi-million dollar animated project on. Sure, it can be a starting off point, but you should never make a literal word for word adaption of that sort of story, unless it’s Axe Cop. Only when it’s Axe Cop. 

The second reason: These same people think this is decent for kids. Sure, there have been some real stinkers in the world of children’s entertainment, and somehow time after time they keep getting made without anyone ever questioning the intelligence of their young audience members. No, kids will not accept anything, and clearly by the low box office haul of this movie, this was one of the examples of that exact statement.

But there is one slightly interesting thing to mention about FR07, that might be dashed to the side by most audiences at first glance. If you didn’t take it from the trailer, the female characters play a pretty big role in Freddie’s life. In fact, Freddie wouldn’t be able to do almost anything without them, or should I say without Nessie. Nessie truly should have been the hero of this movie, and Freddie the side kick at best. Girlfriend scared off his evil aunt, got him past a fleet of submarines, sings the only half-way decent song in the movie and you know, just happens to be a loch ness monster. Beat that, Froggie McFrog pants!

In conclusion, Freddie The Frog is one of those sad pathetic efforts of the 90’s that does nothing but continue to gather dust in its corner of non-pleasant nostalgia. It doesn’t get better or worse with age, it just stays in the same awful, awkward place as it did when it was released. If you’re looking for something truly awful to laugh at, I’m sure this could do the trick. Otherwise, it’s best to never touch this – it might turn you into a Ben Kingsley-voiced French frog too!